Changing Seasons

I'm at a point in my life where things are changing. It seems that the winds have shifted, and things are about to hit a switch. I'm not sure which direction things are going, but there are a few things that are most prominent in this change. 

I've graduated from college, I accomplished this feat in June 2021. This great personal victory came shortly after a great family trial. This trial caused a split in my family, and it may be a long time before that split is healed. Seasons of change. Our lives as a family have altered. There is now a greater amount of responsibility on each of us, but there is also a greater freedom in our daily activities. 

Graduating from college has removed one of the greatest demands on my time and finances. Getting a job as a medical scribe has provided me with income, and a greater insight into the world of medicine, which I hope to join someday. I now have more freedom to do whatever I like, but again, there is responsibillity. 

I must plan ahead. For the future of medical school applications, the saving up for medical school itself, and the ever tantalizing thought of moving out on my own. 

It is a strange season I am in. I have this longing to move out, get my own place, have my own schedule, put things where I want them, and decorate my own home. Then, there is the fear of moving out, the anxiety of leaving the comfort and safety of the home I grew up in. Leaving the poeple I have spent my entire life with, even to live nearby, is a strange and hindering thought. 

When would I move out? As soon as the place is available? As soon as I have enough saved that I would feel comfortable with it? As soon as I take over all of my bills? Do I wait until after Christmas or New Year's? When should I speak to the owners? Is moving out really what I want to do? Do I want to wait until I know which medical school I am going to? Or should I get used to the idea of living on my own, while still near my family? 

So many questions, and the subject of my questions sits just out of reach, while I think and debate about it. Visible on the horizon, but trepidation keeps me from delving too deep. 

The thought of leaving is difficult, especially when I think of how my Mom would be left all alone. I don't know when my brother is planning to move out, but it will likely be soon, as he is figuring out his own life. It makes me sad to think that she would be sitting in this house, all by herself, and in those moments, I wonder how I can possibly leave her. 

Then other times, it is easier, such as when I have to figure out a shower schedule so that we can all use it in one evening. Or when I have to stay up late doing homework, and I have to creep up the explosively loud stairs and try not to wake everyone up. Or when my bookshelves are overflowing, because I have to store more than books on my shelf. Or when I win a set of cookware, but have no place to store it. Times like this are when it is exciting to think about moving out soon. 

I have two years. Two years to figure out where I will go to medical school. Two years to figure out living on my own. Two years to get used to life as the rest of the world knows it. Two years, to rest from formal education. Two years to explore this great world that we live in. To travel and sightsee and live. Two years, before the season changes again.